the holidays... what a time to re-call your past and plan for your future. with the end of yet one more year coming so soon and the beginning of an extremely exciting, stressful and blind chapter of my life, i cant help but re-call every moment that i knew you, thought of you, mourned for you, celebrated for you, thanked you, prayed to you, wrote to you... you. i hate how sad this all makes me, i wish i could look past your physical "absence" and be thankful for everything there is to be thankful for. i wish i smiled more when i thought of you rather than cry, i wish i had more memories of you period. stupid wishes... their just teasing thoughts. thoughts that i wish would come true.. but there you go, yet another wish. the frustration of this reality is overwhelming but i keep on keeping on. i give mad props to your family.. how they do this, i just cant comprehend. i dont really know what else to say right now, im just hoping i can learn to just "be happy" and know deep down inside that its for real and not for appearence sake.
visiting your plaque, probably the most rewarding feeling i can think of at the moment. its scary to think of how safe i feel in such a place. but i strongly believe that a part of you is always there, just waiting to comfort those who visit. i cant help but cry when i look around and see all the plaques of such young people who have passed on to be our angels. blah... :[[[ how lucky are we ey?! i mean i couldnt ask for a better gaurdian in life. i miss you taylor, theres no doubt there. but im living each day in hopes to better my "life". i dream about you all the time, and its either just me thinking about you, or your way of reaching out to me. either way, its nice.
always remembering, Bri<3
The Memorial Prayer - Kel Maleh Rachamim / Mom (mother) Hebrew and Transliteration:
Translation:
O G-d, full of compassion, Who dwells on high, grant true rest upon the wings of the Shechinah (Divine Presence), in the exalted spheres of the holy and pure, who shine as the resplendence of the firmament, to the soul of Taylor William Burgstahler who has gone to his [supernal] world, for charity has been donated in remembrance of his soul; may his place of rest be in Gan Eden. Therefore, may the All-Merciful One shelter him with the cover of His wings forever, and bind his soul in the bond of life. The Lord is his heritage; may he rest in his resting-place in peace; and let us say: Amen.
I'm so sorry / April Griffin (none) I found your site by accident. I am so very sorry to hear about the loss of your son/brother/friend. The hardest thing a parent can ever go through is the loss of a child. May you someday find peace and healing and know that he will be waiting for you on the other side.
What is "Normal" for a parent after the one year mark? / Tara & Heath carey
What is "Normal" After Five Years?
Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family's life. Normal for me is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for Birthdays Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years, Valentine's Day, July 4th and Easter. Normal is feeling like you know how to act and are more comfortable with a funeral than a wedding or birthday party…yet feeling a stab of pain in your heart when you smell the flowers and see the casket. Normal is feeling like you can't sit another minute without getting up and screaming, because you just don't like to sit through anything. Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's & why didn't I's go through your head constantly. Normal is reliving the accident continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away. Normal is having the TV on the minute I walk into the house to have noise, because the silence is deafening. Normal is staring at every girl who looks like she is Violet & Iris's age. And then thinking of the age they would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen. Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart. Normal is telling the story of your children's death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of my "normal". Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your children's memory and their birthdays and survive these days. And trying to find the balloon or flag that fit's the occasion. Happy Birthday? Not really. Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of something special Violet & Iris loved. Thinking how they would love it, but how they are not here to enjoy it. Normal is having some people afraid to mention my Violet & Iris. Normal is making sure that others remember them. Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever. Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse, not better. Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. NOTHING. Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you - it doesn't compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural. Normal is taking pills, and trying not to cry all day, because I know my mental health depends on it. Normal is realizing I do cry everyday. Normal is disliking jokes about death or funerals. Bodies being referred to as cadavers when you know they were once someone's loved one. Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone but someone stricken with grief over the loss of your child. Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with chat buddies who have also lost a child. Normal is feeling a common bond with friends on the computer in England, Australia, Canada, the Netherlands and all over the USA but yet never having met any of them face to face. Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives. Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God. "God may have done this because…" I love God, I know that Violet & Iris are in heaven, but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why two young girls ages 4 & 5 years were taken from this earth is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother. Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned the house, did laundry or if there is any food. Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have two children or no children, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that Violet & Iris are in heaven. And yet when you say you have no children to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed those children. Normal is avoiding McDonald's and Burger King playgrounds because of small, happy children that break your heart when you see them. Normal is asking God why he took your children's life instead of yours and asking if there even is a God. Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or a million years. And last of all, Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal".
Hi Lori I came across Taylors beautiful site recently and now the most strangest of things has happened!!! I dont even know how I got to Taylors page in the first place but it led me to a memorial for a little girl Kayde, Kayde passed away due to a problem at birth with resus blood, well my sister is pregnant and has been having a really bad time, she has been quite ill, she is 31 weeks, I told her about Taylor and Kayde and she was Rh tested today and she is neg and her husband pos, today she had her first anti D vaccine to stabilise her blood. No one knew she had this problem. By finding Taylors site it led me to this other, I think he wanted me to find it as strange as this may sound. My niece or nephew will now come into the world healthy and I thank you and Taylor from the bottom of my heart. Karina, an ordinary mum on the other side of the world (UK) xxxxx
"Taylorisms"/ Mom (mother)
B-shizzle
The Fury going to ta pizark to ball it up with the ethiopian pyrotechnics are rad I'm out like t mac at a wizards game ack crackuh true dat freakin adios holy crizzle basically beat us into submission dillio massive amounts of pizza Werd booooones... The Po-Po Crap, cra-zizzle Blang Blang The ethiopian (Kevin) RAD.... that's rad, super rad! Get to the chopper .... now.... ba-dunk-ka-dunk That's some serious bling Come on mom, think how they feel mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmMaybe.... That's right! (Fingers to eyes - to another person) I'm watching you Dirk! Pollard! Thanks dad Mountian Dew should be considered another food group.... Did somebody mention Food? Constant tapping of his fingers on stuff.. I'm drumming mom... Nice, that's sweet The Fury
Mrs. Burgstahler~ your son Taylor was a class mate of mine at desert mountain my freshman, sophomore, and part of my junior year. but even more than that, i am lucky to say that he was my friend. i moved away during our junior year and was unable to attend his services and for that i give you my deepest regret. you raised a good, honest, and trustworthy son and i know he is watching over all of us from heaven. once again id like to send you my condolonces for your loss. Sincerley, Tony D. Simmons Jr
heart goes out to you / Lydia Chang The link to this website was forwarded to me, and this site really touched me. It is obvious that Taylor was very much loved, and still is. My heart goes out to his family and friends.
remember/ Jane (None) His spirit lives in the people for whom he has touched and that never dies!
i was doing my casual surfing and i stumbled upon this website. i was deeply touched by the movie posted especially becuase i had lost my 13 year old brother when i was 18. im now 23 and still think of him to the day.
thank you soo much for posting that video and i can say you and your son have touched another person.
To Taylor and his family - this website tore at my heart - its absolutely beautiful and heartwrenching. I lost my nephew to suicide on June 21, 2003 - he was 19 years old. His death was different than Taylors as Sammy (my nephew) chose to leave this life. Although he and I were extremely close - he was like my own son, I did not see any signs and neither did his mom (my sister). The guilt we have had to live with for the past 3 years is unbearable. The guilt of not being able to see the signs. It wasn't until after his death and the fact we found his suicide note that we were able to see how sad he really was. You are absolutely right that we should all slow down and really really talk to our kids. My nephews death has taught me that.
My heart goes out to you and your family and the loss of this beautiful young man.
God Bless
Wed, 9 Feb 2005 20:20:21 PST / Taylor Burgstahler (Holla! It's me - Blang Blang ) film festival, coming up soon, and all of you who go to dmhs should enter. im running the show and its gonna be rad. especially my video. a small preview: harry carrey and scaly monsters are prominently featured. and so is robert goulet.
Wed, 16 Feb 2005 19:19:39 PST Sit Diary SkankPlease / Taylor Burgstahler (Rad - it's me )
Below Taylor is discussing the problems with the head coach (who is no longer there, much to the relief of the other parents also.) Taylor was told to stand in the middle of a circle and to tell the coach what is on the students minds - "I know you guys have been talking about me, so I want to know what was said. Taylor, you stand up and tell me." So, Taylor stood up, and calmly told coach that the team was unhappy with his coaching skills and his seemingly unfair treatment of certain players. Every single kid on that team came up to me afterward to tell me what had happened and they applauded Taylor's restraint and how mature Taylor handled the situation. Taylor's demeanor was "amazing" according to the kids. They were so relieved that 'they' had not been picked, but felt bad that Taylor was being picked, yet totally impressed with the way Taylor handled himself, the coach and the situation. Once again Taylor proved he was the better person.
finally. no more basketball season. i put up with a lot of crap this year, missed a lot of oppurtunities just to show that im dedicated, and went through a lot of frustration for what was essentially a lost cause. i know im better than what i was allowed to show, and i know that i can be successful in the future regardless of what someone with minimal knowledge says. im glad its over, because as much as i love the sport, this situation was simply depressing, and as much as i respect and like every kid on that team, it was one of the most difficult things ive dealt with. it bites to be blatantly disprespected, especially when its unwarranted. i feel as though i was the more mature individual overall though, despite being a kid at best and being made an example of by adults. there isnt too much else to say here, so ask me if you care, but all i have to say for right now is miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiami...
Tue, 1 Mar 2005 21:21:14 PST SitDiary Entry / Taylor Burgstahler (It's me! ) half day tomorrow. why do schools insist you go to classes for 15 minutes each, get nothing accomplished, and head back home after three hours? im not a big fan, and thats why im not going tomorrow. and because my moms nice. on another note, tonight was the basketball banquet and it was pretty funny to see all of the coaches except ours get ovations...from us.
i managed to slip a picture of a player from the team (chad, my buddy, who got kicked off back about a month ago for standing up to coach when coach kept screaming at him that chad was a total loser and would go nowhere inlife.... gheesh) into my pocket while he was introducing all of us, and that got a good laugh so im happy. we had a good time, and it was sad to know were all not going to be back next year. im headed to pitt, the seniors are off to college, and a few of the guys wont be playing next year because their just done with the program as a whole.
it was fun while it lasted though, and all of the guys on the team are good friends of mine so itll be tough moving this summer and not seeing them again. well, off to bed so g'night
SitDiary Entry from Fri, 11 Mar 2005 22:22:49 PST / Taylor Burgstahler (ME!) seriously, i have managed to screw up yet another relationship. met a rad girl last saturday, hung out all night at as many random places as possible, everything was peachy, had a good time, her friend said she thought it went well etc. unfortanuetly im to much of an idiot for my own good, and hesitated/neglected on calling until tuesday or wednesday...subsequently killing my chances (or so i thought). i did call though, and we talked, text messages and al that fun stuff. so, we were set to hang out saturday, see how things turned out, etc, but, miraculously, i pulled off an impossible feat. i called tonight, left a message cause her phone wasnt on, and got a reply later on. well...the convo went from "yeah thatd be great" to "i have plans...sorry". what the crap. less than like three hours and now im pretty sure nothings gonna happen. well probably hang out again and stuff, but im not sure if theres a mutual feeling there, or if there even is anymore. ugh. well, i suppose everything works itself out in time, and thees a plan for everyone, but im just confused. sorry for the whining though, and im done venting now, so if anyone has any ideas feel free to help, thatd be rad. adios all
Listening to: reliant k - which to bury, us or the hat
relay for life was last night, and i had signed up but pretty much didnt plan on staying the entire night. hence me going in a shirt, shorts, and sandals when the weather was about 40 degrees. freezing, yes, but still fun. i had greenie, his girlfriend lindsey, corbin, feinberg, timmy and carter in my group (ish), and we just kind of tooled around all night. met some rad people (all sahuaro that i had never seen before) and a few of us will probably end up hanging out again. advice for the future though: if your ever planning on even stopping at an all night event, wear shoes or bring socks because your bound to get frostbite. or just lose all feeling in your extremities.
Comments happy birthday tay - 2/28. we had a candlelight thing for you tonight. it was nice. miss ya
[anonymous (68.98.1.223)]
i still can't believe you're gone. now that your fam is moving back, for an instant i was like 'oh we can go see taylor!' except we can't...
[anonymous (68.98.1.223)]
You need to come back, life has just stopped as we know it. I miss you and will love you forever.
[anonymous (152.163.101.6)]
I love you
[anonymous (205.188.116.131)]
I miss you so much it hurts to breathe. Why did YOU have to die? It sucks and it's not fair.
[anonymous (152.163.100.73)]
i know this isn't you, but it sure makes it seem like it could be. i miss you terribly. i wish we could go back. i love you.
[anonymous (68.98.1.223)]
Taylor, Life is just not as happy without you. Where is the joy?
[anonymous (152.163.100.195)]
I love you kid... I always will. I miss you. ~Tardsy
[thatraddorkguy]
you were such an incredible person. i wish i hadn't assumed you'd always be there, and put things off. you taught me so much about life and how to be happy...it's just not fair that you aren't living it. i love you.
[anonymous (69.144.41.9)]
you were such an incredible person. i wish i hadn't assumed you'd always be there, and put things off. you taught me so much about life and how to be happy...it's just not fair that you aren't living it. i love you.
[anonymous (69.144.41.9)]
i love you. and miss you. and i hope you know how much you did for me, without either of us ever knowing it. i will never forget you. with love.
[anonymous (158.109.91.75)]
taylor, i love you. and i will never forget you.
[anonymous (68.98.0.96)]
im soo sorry=( / Joey Moose (passer by ) Dear Lori- I am a 17 year old girl from Australia and I came across this memorial website a couple of days ago and havnt stopped thinking about it since. I am truly sorry for the loss of your beautiful son Taylor. He seemed like the perfect son, brother and friend and i love the fact that he wasnt embaressed to hug or kiss you infront of his mates. He reminds me exactly of my brother, how he just randomly walks up to my mum and kisses and hugs her telling her how much he loves her. I wish I could have met him because just by judging the photos he seems so full of life. Like he was such a funny and sweet guy here to have a good time. One thing that really just terrifies me and sticks with me is the fact that it was all so sudden. Just walking along probably laughing and talking to his friends and because of an unfortunate slip to the foot, hes just gone! just like that. Reading about the dream you had the moment it all happened was very interesting as well as all the signs you have been getting since he passed away. It looks as if he is really within your presence helping you when your down. Although he is not physically with you he will always be with you spirtiually and i hope you and your family get many more signs to show hes around =) Its amazing how someone i never met has effected me in this way and he has definatly taught me to appreciate life more and to enjoy every moment i have with my family and friends. Im sure his done the same for many others who have come across this site. R.I.P Taylor William Burgstahler. Love Joey. xox
He was so dynamic! / Marcos Acosta (boys state ) Though I only knew Taylor for a week, he felt like part of the family. My condolences to the family - our thoughts and prayers are with you in this time of loss. (Ajo, AZ )
how inspiring / Amanda
I was just cruising the message boards and found your post, which led to Taylor's memorial page.
What a beautiful tribute. Completely amazing.
It reminded me that life is short and we need to cherish our loved ones while we are all still together. The next time my son presents a challenge, has horrible behavior, or annoys me I will recall your story and treasure the fact that I have him.
I think you are an amazing person. THanks for sharing Taylors story.
It is my good fortune to have two "Taylor" type children- Nik and Olivia. Both are college grads recently and both have friends of every race, color and creed...every level of income and have not one unkind word toward anyone- and gently "correct" anyone around them that would have something negative or unjust to say (or do). I will tell them about Taylor and his life's work and the way that he is now in heaven petitioning and locking up our souls there too! He is such a sweet and good looking young man- and his goodness will continue to touch our lives every day and everywhere we go. Please keep my children in your prayers- I hope they continue live righteous lives until the Lord calls them and that they spare nothing on earth to keep living life properly. Taylor, will be one of their inspirations. He is a saint of the church- an example to all of us. YOU are a wonderful mother. How the Lord has smiled upon you to enable you to reach out to millions of us that need a good mentor to help us be good mothers (parents) and good citizens of this world. Thank you for your love, sacrifices and teachings. Your life and Taylor's life and those that you have inspired make us better people and live rightly so that we will be ready and worthy for our beautiful eternity. I will keep you in my prayers every day that the Lord provides you comfort and increases your joy and brings you peace in your heart.
All my love and respect, and Taylor's memory is eternal!
Tributes and Condolences
To Taylor and his family - this website tore at my heart - its absolutely beautiful and heartwrenching. I lost my nephew to suicide on June 21, 2003 - he was 19 years old. His death was different than Taylors as Sammy (my nephew) chose to leave this life. Although he and I were extremely close - he was like my own son, I did not see any signs and neither did his mom (my sister). The guilt we have had to live with for the past 3 years is unbearable. The guilt of not being able to see the signs. It wasn't until after his death and the fact we found his suicide note that we were able to see how sad he really was. You are absolutely right that we should all slow down and really really talk to our kids. My nephews death has taught me that. 
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